Food for tossers

Food for tossers

How many items for sale are now described in such utter tosh that it's hard to work out what the item is?

Here's a classic example:

What are 'Vintage Farmhouse Cheddar with Pan Fried Shallot Flavour Handcooked Crisps'? Well, by my reckoning they're Cheese and Onion crisps for tossers. I mean, what sort of idiot thinks they're getting something amazing because they can't understand all the exessive wordage on the label?

Which reminds me,how is it that now everything is 'pan fried'? Look on a restaurant menu now and you'll see what I mean. Nothing is plain old fried, it's pan fried, as if somehow it justifies a few extra quid on the price.

And what about the obsession with Sea Salt on everything? Plain old salt not good enough? Salt is salt is Sodium Chloride, wherever it comes from. Presumably the implication is that there are no additonal chemicals in sea salt? (no oil or any of the other pollutants that are affecting marine life?) The addition of a few essential elements could have a sound scientific basis, for example Iodine, has massively reduced diseases like Goitre. I'll stick with ordinary salt I think.

Taste the difference

Sainsbury's have a line in food for tossers. Here's some posh sandwiches (note I purchased them from the going-out-of-date shelf!

Here we have two packets of sandwiches. Lets see if we can decode the descriptions:

Hmm, I think I know what it is.... Ham and Cheese. Notice the complete lack of the word 'cheese' anywhere. Presumably some marketing droid has decided that 'cheese' has connotations of fat, so must be eliminated. Instead we have 'West Country Cheddar'.

I didn't know that Hampshire Ham was some kind of speciality, maybe it has PDO status (Protected Designation of Origin), like Melton Mowbray Pork Pies. Or maybe not.

And what about Tewkesbury style mustard mayonnaise? Never heard of it. Must be good/

Well, what can I say, apart from 'what a load of b***ocks'. They must pay these copywriters by the word. And the greater the degree of irrelevant verbosity the better.

A classic one turned up today, courtesy of a colleague:

I don't believe it!, so I found out what it is supposed to be:

I wonder if the person who thought up Swanky Veg realised the possibilities and is still laughing at getting one over on their dozy superiors!

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Last modified on: 23rd June 2015 by email the webmaster

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